13 – Body Perception

All my life I’ve been self-conscious about my body. A never ending battle. The fact that my husband (at the time) would put me down certainly didn’t help in boosting my confidence. I was never a small girl. I was what you called curvy. I never embraced my curves, instead I kept comparing.

I remember after the birth of my second child, I worked hard to lose weight. I did quite well, lost almost 20lbs and 2 pant sizes. But I looked in the mirror and saw the exact same girl I did 20 lbs heavier. How was that possible? I knew my eyes were playing a trick on me… I knew I was smaller. My pants size proved it. At that moment, I decided that mirrors simply lied to me. Not the mirror itself, but what I saw in the mirror was a fat lie. My perception of my body wasn’t what people saw and I was tired of not liking me.

When I left my husband, I was afraid I would begin to care about what I looked like. Especially seeing I would eventually have to get naked in front of men. The thought scared me but I decided to have a real conversation with myself.

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I was not thin, I was not tall, I had cellulite, I had two kids…stretch marks to prove it. But I was a MILF … every guy I spoke to said so. So really?! Did it really matter? I decided at that moment that I wouldn’t give a fuck what others thought of my body. I liked it. It was me. Sexy curves, large breasts, big ass… why not embrace it? Use it to my advantage. What if the person in front of me didn’t like what they saw? Well, I didn’t have to put up with it, and I would simply tell him to move along.

You don’t like what you see, bye bye… because what you see is me. I will no longer accept to be bashed, to be judged, to be told I should look a certain way. I was worth more then that and I finally convinced myself that I was the boss of my body.  I could do what I want with it. How I wanted and no one could tell me otherwise.

Its funny though, how things work out…. The one body part I completely despised for the longest time was my ass. Yet, sexually my ass makes me most happy… so that itself was a reality check. I decided I would no longer put down my body. That it was worth being touched, kissed, hugged… and I was sexy.

Its one thing to convince yourself. It’s another to put it in to practice. To be completely honest, I’m proud of myself. I have gotten naked without being nervous, without trying to hide my tummy, without hiding under covers or dim light… and that alone makes it the biggest success ever. Not only has this journey helped me be more confident with my sexual side, it has help me accept me.

I’m liking where this is going…. more sex please.

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